Ever turn on the Winter Olympics and think, “Hmm, figure skating…again.” Somebody lands a triple axel (or falls attempting to), and I’m stuck at home remembering how I can’t even step foot on ice without slipping and fracturing a hip. The point is, the Winter Olympics just simply don’t have the same pizzazz as the Summer Olympics. Maybe it’s the lack of table tennis, or maybe it’s the absence of Michael Phelps. Regardless, let’s give the International Olympic Committee some ideas to consider.
1. Adding Shaun White to Every Winter Sport
Let’s quick make a list of all the sports that Shaun White would be amazing at: all of them. I don’t care what you think about Shaun White; he is ridiculously talented and shares my love for Mountain Dew. Just close your eyes for a second and imagine it. Hockey? In the bag. Curling? He could win gold right now. Speed skating? Probably not, but I, for one, am not betting against him. Bottom line is, the more times I get to see Shaun White, the better. (This idea is contingent on White growing his hair out again)
2. Dodgeball Figure Skating
Before you judge this idea, let me set the scene. It’s the year 1994. The Winter Olympics are being held in Lillehammer, Norway. Only a month earlier, Nancy Kerrigan was attacked by a hitman hired by rival Tonya Harding’s ex-husband. In the competition, Kerrigan grabbed the silver medal while Harding finished 8th. Think that satisfied Kerrigan’s longing for revenge? No way. She might say it did. She needed this altered version of figure skating to truly quench her thirst for ultimate vengeance. Seeking guidance from the likes of Nolan Ryan and Joe Montana, Nancy would have fired that bad boy right at Tonya’s right knee and knocked her onto that ice. Imagine the tears flowing from Tonya after a moment like that. Instant classic.
3. Jamaica Should Receive the Gold in the Bobsled Every Single Year
I don’t care if they don’t have a team to compete. GIVE THEM THE GOLD. The legacy of the 1988 Jamaican Bobsled Team is second to none. They literally finished 26th out of 26 qualifying teams. Name another team that finished dead last only to turn that story into one of the greatest Disney classics of the 20th century. The late John Candy TOOK A PAY CUT in order to secure the role of the legendary Irving “Irv” Blitzer. To be clear, Irving Blitzer is a fictional character. The team’s actual coach was named Howard Siler, and I firmly doubt that he had the humor or charm of John Candy. Rest in peace.
4. Take a Note from the Biathlon
Remember when that first snow of the year comes? As kids, you would rush to the window to get a look at how much snow had accumulated? Do you also remember how excited you were to head out to a big hill to sled or maybe even the slopes to snowboard or ski? How about when you got done skiing and you grabbed your rifle and began firing at targets in both standing and prone positions? That’s the biathlon. Skiing through a cross country trail followed by two rounds of shooting. Safe to say this should be added to every single event. Every event is missing that little something, that something extra that could take it over the top. Could that something be a bolt action small-bore rifle containing .22 LR ammunition. I’m not going to say no? Except for Tonya and Nancy. That is a hard no. No firearms for them.
5. Two Snowboarders on the Halfpipe at the Same Time
Double the halfpipe. Double the fun. Send both of them off on opposite sides of the pipe and watch the violence ensue. This would force most of the participants to resemble the build of maybe a Ray Lewis or Brian Urlacher. Not sure how the judging would work. Maybe it’s closer to a fight to the death type deal. Pretty positive Shaun White would still win. This same idea could be extrapolated to many events. Multiple figure skaters doing routines concurrently. Half a dozen luge teams barreling around the track. The suspense is palpable just thinking about it.
6. Take the Skates from the Speed Skaters
One of the greatest things to watch is people slipping on ice. It’s just a fact. People falling is never not funny. So how can we make this happen? That’s right. We are banning ice skates from speed skating. Really slick up that ice and watch Apolo Ohno shuffle his way around the track. I can see the newspaper headlines right now, “OH NO, OHNO.” Sportscenter’s “Not Top 10” would be set. While some of these ideas are trivial and nonsensical, this is brilliant. Add comedy to the list of qualities lacking in the Winter Olympics. Problem solved.
7. Curling Teams Must Include One Janitor
You simply cannot tell me that a middle school janitor couldn’t sweep faster than these bums. The creepier the better. Preferably old and wrinkly with snow white hair and a scraggly beard. Think the neighbor from Home Alone. Forget those carbon fiber state-of-the-art curling brooms. Give Janitor Dan an old, ragged mop to pair with his navy blue janitor jumpsuit, and a star is born.
Got any suggestions of your own?
Let me know your ideas to spice up the dull Winter Olympics!