The Cowboys lost Dez Bryant. The Giants are looking for life after Eli Manning. Just about half of the league is in need of a quarterback. The Browns have added some talent this off-season, but we all know they need all the help they can get. But, alas, help is here. They may be fictional, but their impacts would be all too real.
Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights) – Detroit Lions
The Detroit Lions have gone four years without a 100-yard rusher. That is 68 straight games without a running back reaching that century mark. The Cowboys’ Ezekiel Elliot has 12 such games in his first 26 games in the NFL. Enter Tim Riggins. While Riggins started his high school career a fullback, he slid over to the halfback position for Coach Taylor at Smash Williams’ departure. This is contingent on Riggins breaking his “Texas Forever” mantra which we all know is never gonna happen.
Uncle Rico (Napoleon Dynamite) – Cleveland Browns
Have you seen the Browns jersey with all the quarterbacks names on it? It’ll give you a good laugh. The Browns are destined to choose a QB in this draft with one of their two top-4 picks. Unfortunately for them, the perfect fit has not entered into the draft at all. Claiming to be able to throw a football “a quarter mile” and “over them mountains,” Rico had the Idaho High School State Championship locked up, but the coach never put him in the fourth quarter. Browns won’t make that mistake. I don’t know if the jersey will say “Rico” or “Dynamite” on the back, but I can’t wait to see him shake Roger Goodell’s hand as he strolls across that stage.
Gerry Bertier (Remember the Titans) – Oakland Raiders
If there’s one thing the new Oakland Raiders head coach Jon Gruden likes, it’s defensive play makers. During T.C. Williams’ undefeated season, Bertier racked up 142 tackles and 42 sacks in just 13 games. Unfortunately, Bertier is no longer with us. He was killed in a car accident in 1981 by a drunk driver who crossed the center line into oncoming traffic. Bertier is the only non-fictional character on this list, but the fit makes too much sense. RIP Gerry Bertier.
Air Bud (Air Bud: Golden Receiver) – Dallas Cowboys
After 8 seasons in Cowboy country, Dez Bryant was released just a couple weeks ago. This leaves a gaping hole at wide receiver for the offense led by young guns Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot. During Air Bud’s debut with the Timberwolves, he racked up approximately 223 yards and 3 touchdowns on just 3 catches. Not to mention a forced fumble which he later recovered and took 90 yards to the house. Air Bud’s “plug-and-play” ability gives Dallas the luxury of throwing the pup in the lineup as a day-one starter. Don’t get me started on his elusiveness. Later in the movie, Buddy escapes the clutches of Russian circus thieves with ease and inspires the Timberwolves to win the championship after being injured on a controversial hit (In today’s NFL, this hit definitely would have warranted a penalty as the defender most definitely led with the crown of the helmet).
Brock Kelley (Facing the Giants) – Atlanta Falcons
Perhaps the biggest unknown on the list, Brock Kelley is known for his impressive display on the “death crawl.” Crawling the field with plucky “Jeremy” on his back, Brock never gives up on Coach Grant Taylor and sputters from end zone to end zone. While there were no NFL scouts present nor would any NFL scouts be impressed by this task, Brock’s effort has been seen by 4.2 million people on YouTube, so you tell me if that translates to the next level or not. The Falcons have a need on their interior line, and Brock could definitely fill that void(?).
Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy) – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs notched an NFL-worst 22.0 sacks last season. In Boucher’s debut, Bobby racked up 16 sacks which would be an NFL record. Despite Bobby’s obvious handicaps (his mother forbade him from playing football), he could terrorize quarterbacks for years to come under the right coach. The NFL is sponsored by Gatorade which could also provide a hurdle for Bobby due to his adoration for H20.
Becky “Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants) – New York Giants
What Becky lacks in the eligibility department, she makes up for in the effort department. Whether it’s delivering devastating lead blocks for her former teammate Spike Hammersmith or fooling the entire Cowboys defense on the “Annexation of Puerto Rico,” you can count on Icebox to giver her all. Fresh off her stint as a cheerleader, she’s more than ready to join the Giants and lead the renaissance that is the “post-Eli Giants.” She already has connections with NFL greats John Madden and Emmitt Smith. Let’s kickoff the Icebox era in New York.